Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize