Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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