i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
