I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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