I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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