ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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