I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize