my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize