um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
