Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
