i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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