How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I am naked and annoyed.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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