Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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