We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Enjoy the penises
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
