hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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