Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
