You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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