Kiss
Puke
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
