you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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