she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
