Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
