You can't special order awesome
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
