I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
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