dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
