He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize