I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Operation Purity has been aborted
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
