He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
