i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
