when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
There's even glitter on my cock...
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