I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
