u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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