I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
