I can text with my tongue
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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