Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
