you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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