i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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