Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
