Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
