he shaved USA in his pubs
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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