after a month anything with tits is on the radar
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
