Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
