How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
