dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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