I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
