ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
