every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You may now shotgun with the bride
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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