I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
