you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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