Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
