wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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