you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
