You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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