After last night, I could never be a politician.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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