He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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