im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
