Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
