it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
