I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
