sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
