Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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