This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
