if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I enjoy the company of your penis
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
