The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize