don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
