note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just high enough for therapy.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
